Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
giddy up Office Depot
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Put the is in disheveled
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.