If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”