Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
i’m sure it’s fine
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
🖤✌🏽
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”