Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office