‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
All is fair in drunk and war.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?