My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.