[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.