not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today