Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.