Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.