The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
You Might Also Like
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey