*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
FINE, I WON’T.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Meow
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.