With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists