My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.