FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.