time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
😂🤣😂🤣
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this