No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.