[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
You Might Also Like
happy valentine’s day to me
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.