Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’ll be mad as hell!
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!