If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert