Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”