🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Best seat on the street 😍
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.