Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You Might Also Like
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I am never leaving this website
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us