Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
bugs when you lift up a rock
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust