Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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Happy Caturday!
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus