[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious