2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*praying for world peace*
God:
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.