I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day