old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.