Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.