Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Google assistant rules
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!