Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.