me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
fair
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.