Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I don鈥檛 follow washing instructions, you鈥檙e my clothes you don鈥檛 tell me what to do
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it鈥檚 ready.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren鈥檛 using them
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Oh. My. God.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
normalize slapping the phone out someone鈥檚 hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
All I鈥檓 saying is, no word鈥檚 meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
#parenting
鈥nd for my next trick, I will turn yesterday鈥檚 sweatpants into today鈥檚 sweatpants.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I鈥檝e been chasing that high ever since.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
M枚ther may I have a sn盲ck
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home