My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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🤣🤣🤣
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
life finds a way
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.