I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Breaking news:
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!