“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
i want to work in this restaurant
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.