“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.