HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
#StillHurts
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7