I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
yea so i messed up lol
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”