My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Got him!
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now