Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
And now we wait
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.