Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
A friend helps you before you need it
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
#SuperBowl
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence