Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Swedish for common sense.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe