I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.