Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average