*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I would like even faster food.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day