“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Dammit Chief not again
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?