Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.