Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
❤️❤️❤️